I wrote this letter (yes, it was actually an email) to someone who means a lot to me and who I look up to, on the eve of 7th August 2014. The events that followed were both ill-fated and hilarious but while the details of those days fade from memory, this letter shines brighter than ever as a window to my soul.
It's quite amusing to me that I don't know anyone except my mom that has ever seen me cry. However, that's the case with a lot of people. Many people have to harden their nerves to steel in order to go through life. The funny bit is that I really meant that literally, no one, and that includes myself, has seen me cry. I usually take showers when I feel like crying, that way I can't really tell.
Lately, I have been very displeased with what I have become. Throughout my life, I have been learning how to make people around me happy and I very guiltily admit that I have become rather good at it. I was able to navigate my way to this place all by myself and all without a single person left unhappy behind me. And yet, there was one unhappy man that I ignored all along, the one that looks me in the eye every time I see a mirror. I was very displeased by this and found a person who saw through my bullshit and that really made me happy, I couldn't fool her even for a second.
Today, I broke her heart, accidentally. She doesn't even know I did it but it really really pained me to see all my practice come to nothing, especially when it mattered the most. I think I'm a terrible person, the biggest cheat I have met or know of. To be honest though, I can live with that, as long as she doesn't ever know that I did it. At least, I don't have to keep this secret to the grave. ;)
I am writing this from SFO. I came to the valley to find myself, while yet unsuccessful at that lofty goal, I did find something very disturbing. The world really didn't care for the Diwank I thought I should become one day. The famous, successful Diwank of a possible future is loathed by the present me and the valley reminds me every day of it. This evening, as I sat in contemplation of my crimes. Someone came to console me, with the best intentions. Yet, all he could tell me was how talented I was and the greatness that my destiny held.
I thanked him with all my heart, took a shower and left.
Despondent yet brave, lonely yet hopeful.
P.s. Of course I'd miss the bloody plane.
P.p.s. I really appreciate you reaching out. Thanks for being Sean for the good Will Hunting. ;)
Sean: Thought about what you said to me the other day. About my painting.
Sean: Stayed up half the night thinking about it. Something occurred to me. I fell into a deep, peaceful sleep and haven't thought about you since. You know what occurred to me?
Sean: You're just a kid. You don't have the faintest idea what you're talking about.